People often say that I must be excited about going--even asking what I'm most excited about.
Amid any excitement, I have things I'm not too keen about. Things that make me not want to go.
It's been two years since I left Ethiopia. Except for the national workers with BCI, it is safe to assume at least 80% of the people will not remember me. It is only logical. I was there for four months in and out of people's lives. I would like to say I made an impact, but a lot of regrets desire to differ. Particularly because most of the children I worked with were under the grade of 7 (under the age of about 12), they are probably to young to remember me. For the most part, I guess that is to be expected and accepted. But what about those kids I really bonded with? What about the boy I sponsor? Will they remember me? I've built up returning to Ethiopia in my mind--like a big reunion after a two year hiatus. But now, what if it isn't as special for me or them as I've always imagined? What if, upon my re-introduction, they don't like me?
Another reason I don't want to go to Ethiopia is because I'm not too keen on the idea of being sick. I never get sick. I get allergies, but very rarely anything else. While I was in Ethiopia in 2012, Jonnett got sick like 100% of the time. =P I don't want to get gross-sick. I don't want to be shackled to my bed for weeks until I get better.
I also don't want to go to Ethiopia because I don't want to fail. What if I go to Ethiopia and just screw up everything? What if I snap with anger and frustration and wreck months of relationship building? What if I blow up and mess up testimonies of people I love ( I mean, how would it look if I yelled at my students and slam a book down on the counter?)
I don't want to go to Ethiopia because I don't want to get there and realize I wasted two years of anticipation and throw away the money it takes to get there. I don't want to have my heart crushed that this whole experience, this whole journey was a misdirection and I was blindsided by misconception.
I don't want to go because I don't want to leave my kids here in the Bible clubs I work in. Last time I went to Ethiopia, I didn't have this strong of an emotional bond to these kids. I don't know what's different this time. I'm just really attached to them. I now hurt when they hurt. I now get excited when they find happiness. I now get sad when they are lonely. This will be my last semester with most of them because they will be in the Intermediate school by the time I return. I possibly will never see them again. Sure that will happen once they graduate from 4th grade, but some of these kids are in 2nd or 3rd. Even those who are younger than that, I might be leaving NC for college when I return and still won't see them again except maybe a hello-goodbye day.
I don't want to go to Ethiopia because the reverse will happen to the above problem. I will be in Ethiopia for two years, slowly building stronger emotional bonds with those I interact with. By the time I leave in 2016, I will be leaving more people I love whom I will probably never see again because I'm not sure if A.) I will be back at all or B.) if I will be back before two years. More emotional pain.
I don't want to go because I have a feeling I will have to give up my anti-social tendencies. I will have to be outgoing on my first encounters with people. I will have to keep my eyes and ears open to be able to realize things before leaving their homes (A lack of food in the house, a hurting mother, a desperate child for love).
Some of those reasons are stupid (I mean, I can get over being sick); some of them are seriously frightening to think about. Some of it makes me just want to stay where I'm at. To find a job that will both work around my doing Bible clubs and yet pay me enough to live off of the job. To get a degree in writing/journalism so I can work from home and start up a Bible club at the Intermediate school where there is no club. To invest in the lives of those I love in Ethiopia simply by means of sending a check to them and keeping up with monthly correspondences.
That way I won't have to hurt. I won't have to risk pain. I won't have to lose friends. I won't have to risk failure.
Isaiah 41:10
I go, not entirely 100% because I want to, but because God has called me and I know He will be with me. Whatever fears I may have, I can leave them up to God. Whether they happen or not: God is my God and He will be with me.
Amid any excitement, I have things I'm not too keen about. Things that make me not want to go.
It's been two years since I left Ethiopia. Except for the national workers with BCI, it is safe to assume at least 80% of the people will not remember me. It is only logical. I was there for four months in and out of people's lives. I would like to say I made an impact, but a lot of regrets desire to differ. Particularly because most of the children I worked with were under the grade of 7 (under the age of about 12), they are probably to young to remember me. For the most part, I guess that is to be expected and accepted. But what about those kids I really bonded with? What about the boy I sponsor? Will they remember me? I've built up returning to Ethiopia in my mind--like a big reunion after a two year hiatus. But now, what if it isn't as special for me or them as I've always imagined? What if, upon my re-introduction, they don't like me?
Another reason I don't want to go to Ethiopia is because I'm not too keen on the idea of being sick. I never get sick. I get allergies, but very rarely anything else. While I was in Ethiopia in 2012, Jonnett got sick like 100% of the time. =P I don't want to get gross-sick. I don't want to be shackled to my bed for weeks until I get better.
I also don't want to go to Ethiopia because I don't want to fail. What if I go to Ethiopia and just screw up everything? What if I snap with anger and frustration and wreck months of relationship building? What if I blow up and mess up testimonies of people I love ( I mean, how would it look if I yelled at my students and slam a book down on the counter?)
I don't want to go to Ethiopia because I don't want to get there and realize I wasted two years of anticipation and throw away the money it takes to get there. I don't want to have my heart crushed that this whole experience, this whole journey was a misdirection and I was blindsided by misconception.
I don't want to go because I don't want to leave my kids here in the Bible clubs I work in. Last time I went to Ethiopia, I didn't have this strong of an emotional bond to these kids. I don't know what's different this time. I'm just really attached to them. I now hurt when they hurt. I now get excited when they find happiness. I now get sad when they are lonely. This will be my last semester with most of them because they will be in the Intermediate school by the time I return. I possibly will never see them again. Sure that will happen once they graduate from 4th grade, but some of these kids are in 2nd or 3rd. Even those who are younger than that, I might be leaving NC for college when I return and still won't see them again except maybe a hello-goodbye day.
I don't want to go to Ethiopia because the reverse will happen to the above problem. I will be in Ethiopia for two years, slowly building stronger emotional bonds with those I interact with. By the time I leave in 2016, I will be leaving more people I love whom I will probably never see again because I'm not sure if A.) I will be back at all or B.) if I will be back before two years. More emotional pain.
I don't want to go because I have a feeling I will have to give up my anti-social tendencies. I will have to be outgoing on my first encounters with people. I will have to keep my eyes and ears open to be able to realize things before leaving their homes (A lack of food in the house, a hurting mother, a desperate child for love).
Some of those reasons are stupid (I mean, I can get over being sick); some of them are seriously frightening to think about. Some of it makes me just want to stay where I'm at. To find a job that will both work around my doing Bible clubs and yet pay me enough to live off of the job. To get a degree in writing/journalism so I can work from home and start up a Bible club at the Intermediate school where there is no club. To invest in the lives of those I love in Ethiopia simply by means of sending a check to them and keeping up with monthly correspondences.
That way I won't have to hurt. I won't have to risk pain. I won't have to lose friends. I won't have to risk failure.
Isaiah 41:10
Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
I go, not entirely 100% because I want to, but because God has called me and I know He will be with me. Whatever fears I may have, I can leave them up to God. Whether they happen or not: God is my God and He will be with me.
